An on going battle with myself; a life filled of regret and depression. From the pills to the razor blades; from the untrust to the hatred. This or that. Here or there.
My life is never good enough; my life is never worth it. But I have a victory; I have a Savior.
My battle may not be over, but the battle has already been won.
This past year and a half has been an interesting journey for me. From the outside I appeared very normal, dependable, calm, and easy going but inside my head I was battling a full out war……exhausting. I finally couldn’t keep it together any more and I got ‘found out’ but to my dismay, the most devastating day in my life came and went and I was still standing.
I was filled with feelings of shame, grief and self loathing, but still standing none the less. I am able to look back now and only be disgusted by how much time and energy I wasted and laugh at how much power and control I thought I had possessed. God was there all the time with a gentle smile just waiting for me to cry uncle.
Through a series of events He place me where I would be surrounded by safe, loving and caring people to help guide my recovery and my discovery of how wonderful Gods grace is. I have a magnet on my refrigerator that I love that shows a little girl standing in a wet dress with wet hair after a rain,looking upwards with her hands raised. The caption says “just when you think you will never smile again….life comes back”.
I can’t give an inspirational prayer and I don’t speak church language very well, but I am safe and loving and filled with courage, perseverance and joy.
Thanks for such a wonderful conference yesterday. I wanted to tell you what happened overnight.
In the middle of the night, I awakened and saw this image of me with a large black garbage bag. I was holding onto it with both hands and it was swung over my shoulder and it forced me to walk in an uncomfortable way because it was so heavy. It was resting on my lower back. What I did NOT tell you at the conference was that for some reason, my lower back was hurting…I had not done anything specific in the last few days to cause it, nor have I ever had an injury in that area. But since about Thursday, it had been hurting.
God revealed that I was carrying all of these false names, and it was causing me to feel like I had the weight of the world on my shoulders. But these were not mine to carry. I strongly felt like I was supposed to spend this afternoon and evening going through all of my given names one by one (I wrote down about 50), and repenting of them, renouncing and rebuking, and replacing. I wrote each name on a post-it note, put them in a pile next to me, and picked them one at a time and put it on like a name tag, like we did at the conference. I tried to remember the first time that name was assigned, and get in touch with the feelings associated with it. I then prayed for Jesus to come into the memory and heal it. Then, I took the name tag off and put it on the cross.
I did a few at a time and then took a break…partly because of the time they take and partly because of the emotional intensity.God is doing a deep healing work and I wanted to give it the time and space I needed to. It’s not as though these names were given to me a week ago…they’ve been here decades in many cases.
I finished it last night, and then took all of the names off the cross and lit a fire. One at a time, I looked at the names again as I threw them into the fireplace. I said aloud, “This is no longer my name.” God gave me my Secret Name, which is “Mine.” For the last few years I have been drawn to Isaiah 43, and I now understand why. “Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name…you are MINE.”
My lower back pain is completely gone, and I as I threw the last name into the fire I saw an image of chains falling off my body. I now am beginning to walk in my new name. It is taking some getting used to…sort of like breaking in a new pair of shoes. The enemy certainly is trying hard to convince me that I am not free, and that all of these old given names define me. But they don’t. I belong to God. I am His.
It’s called the Law of Sacrifice – You need to give up to go up (Thanks John Maxwell).
But to do that, you’d have to give up something.
But most would rather not. So most people get exactly what they want – nothing. They don’t want freedom, hope, or purpose enough to invest in it. They don’t believe in themselves, enough to make a change. And so they stay the same.
If you’re willing to invest $30 and 8 hours in your future, then join us next Saturday March 3rd in Powell. And if you’re not completely satisfied I will refund your ticket, no questions asked.
Need proof that it’s worth your sacrifice? Read these 10 testimonies or watch this video.
When you know who you are and whose you are the world becomes an exciting place. You feel confident, centered, fearless, and free. On this special evening we’ll spend 6o minutes live with Kary Oberbrunner, author of Your Secret Name, as he teaches us how to achieve greater clarity about our identity.
On this call you’ll discover:
Join us for a complimentary chat (landline, cell, or skype). When you register for this exclusive event we’ll send you our private phone number (freeconferencing.com) and/or instructions how to log in with skype.
DON’T DELAY.
Yesterday is ashes. Tomorrow is wood. Today burns brightly. -Old Eskimo Proverb
You can’t change the world alone. You need a Team. We call it a tribe of Souls on Fire. Pull up a chair. We have room at our table. Click the certification tab for more information.
If you’ve read Your Secret Name, then you know how God has used it to change lives. If you haven’t read it, then simply browse some of the Secret Stories to see for yourself.
We believe God wants us to gather a team in order to spread the message. And so, this is exactly what we’ve done. We’ve formed an International team and we’re growing every week. Why not consider joining us in spreading hope to those who need it most.
More about the Independent Speaker and Trainer Certification Program:
You will be certified to speak and train any individual or group anywhere in the world utilizing the Your Secret Name curriculum, products and books as outlined in the program. (You keep 100% of the proceeds, honorariums and income you receive.)
I want to thank you for coming to LBC this past week. I must say, I wasn’t planning on going to chapel this week due to the many projects I have due in the next few weeks. But, for whatever reason, I decided to go, and was absolutely captivated by your words.
I decided to go hear you speak on Wednesday night in the chapel, and truly thought that it would go in one ear and out the other, but I prayed that God would allow something you say to change me. I’m not emotional – never have been, but cried when you said to invite God into the painful situation I went through.
I have always given myself the name “Ugly,” because that’s what my mom told me one night when I was in Kindergarten. I was 5 then. I’m 21 now, and have lived with that name for 16 years. I’ve been bulimic/anorexic for 8 years… because I’ve always seen myself as ugly. Wednesday night, God gave me the name “Beautifully Created.”
As I was praying that night, God reminded me of many verses that I haven’t thought about for years… Psalm 139:14-16 and Psalm 45:11. I’m so thankful to have had you here at LBC to speak. If it weren’t for God bringing you here, I would still have the name Ugly. I pray that God blesses you richly for the way you have blessed me.
Every second of every single day, is a battle. A battle between myself and society, and often a battle within my own mind.
All I can do is pray, and hope for happier times to come around, to lift me out of this dark period of my life. It was only by God’s grace that I found him in my heart. It was something that came to me so quickly, and is still something very new to my life. I may not be the best Christian, but I know in my heart that I have God’s love, and if I am with him, he will always help and guide me.
To the world I may be depressed, but in God’s eyes I am hope. I may be known as Gay to this world, but in his eyes, I am complete.
